My Heart is Open

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” ― Rumi

Lately, the topic of love has worked its way into conversations with friends and family. I remember a conversation I had a few months ago with a friend. He hates love, maybe not hate but he runs from it regularly. “I’ll never fall in love again” he proclaims. ‘But why?’ I ask, ready to hear some excuse. ‘Well, I’m ready for love, but only with the right person.’ ‘Well not the teenage type of love, it’s too reckless’, he says in an attempt to backtrack.

By the sounds of his backtracking, I have to assume he thinks I’m disapproving. I quickly follow up by letting him know as an adult when we truly love, it’s as innocent as a teenager, but with the wisdom of trial and error. No, no, no he tells me. The trial and error is what makes it worst. I realize the baggage is what he means.

Everyone comes with wounds from previous relationships, parents, and friends. I have made excuses for men that I knew were not right, but I simply wanted to fill a void. And fill it I did! But was it worth it? Of course not. I had anxiety-filled days, wondering if he was going to call, when I would see him next, and who else he could be seeing on the side. I could never fully relax and had zero trust in our relationship.

I didn’t like what I saw when I looked in the mirror. I found myself saying things that, while I meant every word, were cruel and heartless. Over numerous conversations with my friends and family, I finally decided that whatever this was, wasn’t enough. This wasn’t love--at least not the type I desire, nor deserve. That wasn’t me. Looking back, I know I’m not the only one who’s had relationships like this.

I sat still for a moment and went back to my heart to know the love I am capable of providing, the love I deserve. I started releasing any expectations I put on individuals. I can’t expect something from someone if I am not providing the same to myself. After taking the time I needed, I felt different about love. Yes, I still want the kind of love that will take my breath away, and I am still a hopeless romantic, but I will not waste my energy and romance on those who aren’t deserving.

I still believe that one day as my future partner and I are looking into each other’s eyes, we not only feel the love we have for each other but that it’s visible. We can feel the warmth from a touch, a smile, or a laugh. We are not obligated to spend every moment together, as we each deserve to have a life of our own, but our time spent together is cherished, and special. He understands my curiosity and eagerness to learn, and he’s willing to happily teach and nurture me. And I am more than happy to share his experiences as well. Of course, I am aware there may be trying times, but that doesn’t mean the end. I think of love the way Maya Angelou says in one of her poems: Love recognizes no barriers. It jumps hurdles, leaps fences, and penetrates walls to arrive at its destination full of hope.

Ask yourself the following:

How does love look to you?

Can you imagine a day where you're sharing it with the one you love?

What barriers have you built around your heart that are keeping you from the love you desire?