Happy Valentine’s day to all the lovely singles

“Are you ok with me not being in a relationship? Because I know sometimes you worry about me and now with you moving abroad I just wanted to make sure you’re good knowing that I am not looking for something to jump into.”

“Of course mom, I don’t want you to start anything unless you’re ready.”

This is part of the exchange I had with my daughter during our annual Valentine’s brunch. Finally saying the words out loud felt thrilling. Finally, I did not feel judged for not wanting something so many women my age desired. The last conversation I had with my dad was along the lines of, "You better get married before you get too set in your ways”. News flash, I am set in my ways and love it.

Four years ago I walked away from a long-term relationship, he was a wonderful person but we both realized we were on separate journeys. For the first year, I found myself trying to rush into a relationship only to realize that I settled for far less than I deserve. Being single, kind, low-key, and in your 40's allow men to form assumptions about your sense of self. The all too common assumption of me is that I'm a pushover. It took me many lessons to realize it wasn't just their assumption but was simply a product of the type of men I was attracting.

The second year I threw my hands in the air, stopped, took a step back, and allowed myself to never settle for less. I walked away from dating to focus on my wants. I started thinking about what I wanted from myself--who am I without a relationship?

I started a coaching program with the motivation to help and lead others but came out with a new sense of self and the determination to dig deeper into myself. Why did I make the same decisions over and over again? What was causing me to attract men that had no business being with me?

I read daily, mediated, and finally took the time to listen to my needs. If I felt the need for companionship, I met with old friends to fulfill my want for companionship and conversation.

Fast forward to the present, and I reawakened my love of travel. I embarked on my first solo trip to Italy last spring and met a wonderful group of women that were on similar journeys. We pushed each other to focus on the present, and love ourselves unconditionally--battle scars and all. I rediscovered my love of dancing, take Italian lessons weekly, have stronger relationships with my friends and family, and am being more active than I've been in years.

I find myself attracted to a different type of man. He's more confident, open-minded, and much more relaxed. Do I still attract the same men from my past? Absolutely, but I'm more willing to let go of what doesn't serve me. I continue to put myself first and foremost without hesitation. Do I love being single? Abso-freaking-lutely. It's the best decision I've made, and I've finally begun to see myself in a different light. I'm happier, lighter, and feel freer than ever. I still desire intimacy and love, but I no longer desire it to the point where my true self is tucked behind the facade of "who I'm supposed to be."